The Elevator Bandit

When I was in Kuwait waiting for the word for my unit to cross the berm into Iraq we stayed out in the desert in a camp made up of circus tents and porta-potties. During this time there was somebody who was deliberately crapping on toilet seats in the different porta-potties and would then write about his exploits on the walls of the porta-potty. He became known as the “Shithouse Bandit”. If anyone would have ever caught the “Shithouse Bandit” he would of been beaten to a pulp but no one ever did before we rolled out.

Anyway now in Korea I think a disciple of the “Shithouse Bandit” has surfaced. I call him the “Elevator Bandit”. For the past couple of months somebody in my apartment building keeps pissing in the elevator. This pisses me off (no pun intended) more than than the “Shithouse Bandit” because at least in Kuwait you had other porta-potties you could go to. Here there is only one elevator to get to my apartment and I live on the 15th floor. So when there is piss all over the elevator, guess what I got to climb up all those stairs because I’m not about to stand in a puddle of piss to get to my hooch. I have complained to the apartment security about this problem and they told me they are conducting an “investigation” into it. What the heck are they investigating? DNA samples from the urine? How about installing a camera!? No, after their lenghty investigation my mighty all over 60 years old army of security guards who just happen to smell of soju most days have instead come up with a better plan to stop this master criminal known as the “Elevator Bandit”. They have posted a sign asking him to quit pissing on the elevator. I’m sure that will scare him.

Has anyone else out there had their elevators pissed on? Is this a common occurence in Korea? I have seen many ajushis urinating on buildings in public when they get the urge because of the lack of public restrooms here. Anyway I will keep everyone informed if there are any updates in the security investigation of the “Elevator Bandit”.